This guide will help newbie`s act like professionals on CS server`s!
NEVER be called a NEWBIE RETAILER SCUMBALL again!!

Setting Up

  • So you`ve just installed Counter-Strike, you need to set it up before you can kick them newbies asses!
  • Choose a name to use in the game. Try to be really original, like choosing a name from The Matrix, or from Wrestling. You could even make your own up, but be imaginative, instead of being named "Killer", be named "KiLL@h!". You will of course want a name that makes people think you hard!!
  • Now you will need to set your graphics card, choose the highest resolution you can so you can tell all the newbie bastards that you can see EVERYTHING they do. It doesn't matter that it runs like a slideshow as long as the resolution is HIGH!
  • Set your controls up, don't bother using a mouse, use your 45 button Joystick, them newbie scum bastards wont know what hit em!
  • Find a l337 script that tells your team exactly what your doing, your team will really appreciate knowing everything you do, and everyone loves a team player. The best script is the one that says to your team things like " *** - STATUS REPORT - I HAVE RESTOCKED MY AMMO! - *** ", this script is so cool because its easily modified to be able to let your team know when you fire your gun, or when you have zoomed in or when you are reloading!
  • DON'T be afraid of using cheats! All the best players do it!!
  • You need a K001 l337 @55 spray logo to show how cool you are on any server. Try to make one with a naked woman on, no one else will have one and they will all love you for bringing pornographic images to their game!

Gameplay

  • Its your first go, so you need a easy map. Join any old server and vote for DE_DUST. Everyone loves this map and they will love you for suggesting the very idea of changing to this map. If they don't agree bind a key to "VOTE 7!! DE_DUST!!" and keep pressing it until these newbie scum realize that DE_Dust is the best map EVER!
  • You need to find out if FF is on, don't ask else everyone will know you`ve never been on that server before. Instead simply shoot a teammate, if he loses health then FF is on! But never mind that, its their own fault if they run into your line of fire.
  • Don't worry, if you die you will have to sit the rest of the round out. When people are dead they like nothing better than to hear who you think is cheating, and lets face it, if he killed you he must be using some kind of cheat, so call him a cheater! Get everyone else to believe you can try to vote him off, there's nothing worse than a bad cheat!
  • On ALL maps the best tactic you can use is to be a sniper, Buy an AWM (AWP) and stand in the corner watching for them newbie bastards. The best place`s to snipe are in the CT respawn on any map.
  • If for some reason you become the VIP, don't bother with him, he`s a newbie class, you will never get a decent score being him. Type KILL in the console as soon as you realize you are him. AS maps are newbie maps anyway, none of the professional CS players like them.
  • Use radio commands as much as you can and as often as you can. When the round starts shout `COVER ME` about 5 times so everyone knows that your the boss and they should do exactly what you say when you say it.
  • Whatever you do DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH! Speak l337 H@x0R 7@1K, it shows that your a pro.
  • In the game turn your flashlight ON, you will glow like an angel, the other players wont even try to kill you because you are so l337 and that.
  • On the map cs_Assault make sure you join T`s, only sukkaz join CT`s on that map.
  • Call maps "Level`s", everyone will think you are THE MAN.
  • Smoke grenades in the respawn area is the very last thing that the opposition will be expecting, make sure you launch at last 3 or 4 before you storm the enemy
  • No matter what anyone says, the Dual Baretta`s are the best weapon in the game, they will easily beat a para, awp or colt any day. Make sure you buy these as soon as you can afford them.
  • Hostage jumping is cool, no one else knows about it and when you do it on a server everyone will be amazed and will love you
  • The roofs on Italy will be the very last place anyone will look for you, no one will complain when you get up there, and they are the best place on Italy to camp, you can see everywhere and there is no way to kill you.
  • If Friendly Fire isn't on then keep shooting your teammates just to see the blood. Its really fun, and it doesn't annoy the other person at all, as a matter of fact he will like it. But if Friendly Fire is on it doesn't matter, its their fault if you shoot then, they should be standing behind you backing you up.

Advanced

  • All the BEST players are in clans, the best of the best make their own clan. Your clan will need an original name, like [MATRIX] or [KILL] or [DOA].
  • You will need approximately 40 people in your clan
  • All the l33t357 clans have ranks and other things in their name. Make sure your not left out, put your Age, Location, Favourite gun, Favourite colour, Clan and rank in your name. eg "[M@7R1X]H0M3R5ImP50N-17-UK=SGT=-BLUE-=AWP=-" The longer the name the better, everyone will ruspect you!
  • Make a bind "say [MATRIX] CLAN IS THE BESTEST CLAN IN THE WORLD!!" and use it anytime you can.
  • Make a bind "say VISIT OUR WEBPAGE!!! HTTP://www.geocities.com/TigerS3942/Burgle2342/MATRIX052/opening_page.htm !!!" and use it as much as you can.
  • You need to recruit members for your clan. Its like rounding sheep up, all you do is go on a server and make a bind saying "M@TriX is RECRUITING! if you wanna join then message me on ICQ AT 32475519!!!!!111". Everyone who is playing will take time to stop playing and to write your ICQ number down and they will contact you in the game
  • Spam newsgroups and forums telling people about your website, everyone on the forums and newsgroups always visit Clan websites
  • Spam newsgroups and forums asking people if they would like to join your clan, but if they reply in the newsgroup or forum slag them off and call them homo`s.

 

I hope this helps you to understand how to be the best at CS. And don't forget, its not how many round your team wins, its how many kills you get!

 

 

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